The definition of vulnerability as stated by the Oxford Dictionary is;
‘ Exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally’
Within a world so programmed to be guarded, to protect ourselves from all eventualities, it is no wonder many of us are struggling with being vulnerable. It is the exact opposite behaviour to what we’ve been taught to display all our lives. Yet, it plays a major role in awakening us to the love that is active within us all.
Vulnerability, is the ability to stay when you want to run. It is the ability to listen to whats being said even when its uncomfortable. It is the art of bypassing the fear of attack or being harmed, as stated above. It is one of the master keys to self realisation.
It is immensely easy for us all to be guarded. To only show some parts of ourselves, even to ourselves, let alone others.
How many of us move from our own vulnerability? how many of us distract ourselves? another roll up, another glass of wine, another night alone, another self denial, another holiday, another break-up, another conversation about another person, another lover, another, another and another. And none of this is wrong, or right. Its how we’ve been taught, its the tools we’ve been brought up with. Nobody taught us ‘ its ok to be vulnerable’. If memory serves me correctly, that was not part of the curriculum when i was at school.
Recently i have been brought into vulnerability with everything. From writing, to walking outside the house, old memories from past relationships, current relationships with friends, with self, body, thoughts, feelings.. the list could go on and on. It has been a complete uncovering of a shell i didn’t even know was there. It reminds me to be humble, not to hold on to any thoughts i may have clung too. Flowing deeper underneath the surface of adopted beliefs, truly wanting to know who am i underneath all of this. Underneath Cherina, a mother, a sister, a friend, a woman, a human, a writer, a story.. who am i without all of these concepts?
I have been classed as ‘depressed’ since i was 15years old because i took an overdose that put me into a coma for a few weeks.
I remember being with my grandfather during that period, beyond this physical reality. I remember being shown Planet Earth as if i were peering into it. Forming a circle with a group of non humans, discussing the opportunity and potential of this life.
I remember the pain of when i started to wake up in this body again. The doctors and my parents said i was asking for my grandfather, not understanding why they could not see him, when he was there in the room with me but a few moments ago.
This wasn’t the last time i attempted to leave this world, but still i wake up here. Still spirit is here, seen, in waking daylight.
Since i was 9 years old I’ve known the thing called death was not real. I saw those who had ‘died’ as clearly as when they were ‘alive’.
I knew they were not existing in a physical body anymore, but that was the only difference.
How do we rest in vulnerability when everything is bombarding us to be strong? I DONT KNOW is the honest answer. I don’t know.
Wow, it feels both liberating to say and scary to hear. My mind rushes in ‘ what do you mean you don’t know, yes its this and that, and the planetary alignment and collective consciousness, etc etc.. But the silence in my heart just smiles. Its ok not to know. When we know something, we can often cling to it so tightly that it becomes us and prevents us from accepting another unknown.
There is this essence i am touching upon, these snippets of moments, where people currently active in my life are reminding me of people from my past. Different looking bodies, faces, names, but the feeling is familiar. It reminds me of the saying that ‘everything is happening right now, right here’.
So maybe these familiar but new people are on the stage right now, to heal the ‘past’ relationship with those they remind me of. Hence, we are healing our past, physically and not just energetically, as we have been focused on.
This is resonating with me strongly these last few months. With friendship feuds, old emotions arising, old dynamics resurfacing within couples i spend time with. I see childhood scenarios all over again. It seems that we have all been ‘healing’ our childhood by recreating it in the friends and groups we step into. Consciously or unconsciously, it doesn’t matter, it is happening still.
It seems easier to be among the new people or even the familiar people, because the emotional attachment and memory isn’t as strong as the family one. I have witnessed this a lot in ceremonies the past few years. Listening to the prayers for family to heal, to get well, for better relations. A lot of the time when the ceremony closes, the distance between the person praying and their family remains. Creating new families, soul families. Yet often turning away from the blood family.
Maybe because it brings us into a deeper relationship with vulnerability?
We have been unconsciously replaying patterns. If were really in the inner work, you/we, will see, they mirror our early forming years. The relationship with our physical parents.
Ultimately it seems we have recreated mothers influence, fathers influence and our inner child reactions and wounding. Playing out as grown ups within the myriad of friendships and relationships we have formed and are still forming around us.
Maybe it is the now to bring ourselves into our core, into that vulnerable state that we often avoid.
I feel this is our opportunity this Eclipse and preceding Blood Moon.
I invite you all to take a good look at the dynamics with your parents and see if, where, this is still playing out in your chosen friends, and non blood family that you surround yourself with.
We are here to change the frequency of age old emotional charges and projections, one’s we’ve been repeating throughout all time. Even though the current feels very personal, even though the family vulnerability feels very personal, it is not.
As we continue to realise the key is in healing ourselves, not seeking the change in the other, we can bring ourself into an acceptance of who we are. Which in turn brings us into acceptance of who they are. We are being presented the opportunity to reclaim and transform the emotional charge attached to the projections we’ve placed upon them.
Within revealing our true self to all around us, we become the living example.
Maybe its a good time to practice holding ourselves, our inner child. I know this has been a strong experience for me these last few weeks. I am finding the more that i allow myself to be vulnerable, the more i allow myself to let it go, to fall apart, laugh at myself, cry when i need too, a feeling of peace increases. My smile widens. Even when the tears still flow.
Im telling my inner child ‘its ok, your safe, I’ve got you, i love you’ I am learning to nurture myself first and foremost. I am learning to embrace and hug myself, as i do my daughter. With compassion, love and total acceptance. I am seeing the journey with my daughter in a new light. We have always been connected, open and trusting with each other. Yet not always physically beside each other. And the guilt is gone from thinking that was wrong.
It is the same mirror of my existence in this life. Always connected, open, trusting. Just not always in a physically recognisable way.
I have been constantly told throughout my life, it is because i am ungrounded. That i am not here physically. Maybe that is so, like the spirits who have no body. Here, but not seen by all.
Until i recently began listening to myself, i let these words and beliefs control me. Trying to change who i was to fit in, to behave and look the same as all the rest. Now I am trusting the inner wisdom, the whispers of my heart. The only one who knows why i am here.
I see all, the light and the dark and i am making no difference. That is the only way we as a humanity create wholeness. We must cease judging each other. You can see a light side and a dark side but you can also see beyond these expressions of duality, here you will see yourself in everyone you ever meet. Beyond and beneath the shell we’ve all been wearing.
An Ole Oak Tree said to me recently ‘ The elders pass through death and return as the newborns, the teenagers become the adults and the adults become the new elders. Can you see? Everyone and everything is constant, changing form from what you see it to be. The changeless nature emerges when you see beyond the outer casing. It is as changeless as the breath‘
Vulnerability calls for us to be truly naked with all our perceived good/bad bits, the shameful things we hide from ourselves, and others due to false teachings. The guilt, the pain, the grief and suffering. We must open up these wounds and air them, share them, so as not to feel alone with them.
It is the only way to be free of their suffocation and continual resurrection on the stage of life.
We don’t need to keep the button on repeat, we get to choose wether to step out of the cycle or stay in it.
Are we keeping alive the world we’re witnessing? or are we choosing a new way?. The pain and suffering stems from lack of love, simple. Ancestral, current, its all the same. We must stop pushing it all outside. ‘Its them, or because my ancestors did this’. It all stems from not knowing how to love yourself/ourselves and thus share that.
No matter the question, the answer is love yourself.
We do not have to carry on as it has been. Only loving yourself will create the shift.
It has to start within to emanate out. Otherwise your filling the void inside with taking care the needs of others and it can stop you from fully loving yourself and being alone with you.
For ourselves, for each other for our children, for our earth.
So much awe, strength, love and vulnerability to you all, we are incredibly brave courageous souls to be here now