During an intimate Peyote ceremony last summer with 2 of my closest and dearest girlfriends, we gathered with the grandfather and the deer medicine. The Heart. This was to be a looong night of journeying the crevices of our consciousness, our timelines and of stories contained within worlds upon worlds, all taking place in north London. Oh the irony.
After the 4th or 5th cup, the room ceased to be the room i recognised. I found myself in a vast open landspace of another time, or maybe this time, but different. I experienced myself in the body of a medicine woman, a witch as some have called us, a pagan, a gypsy. All are names relating to the same thing. A woman who walks intimately with the Earth, as a living extension of the Earth.
The vision began relatively peaceful, among wildflowers, listening to them as they called me and taught me how to prepare and administer them to the sick or poorly. Our children were running free, playing, laughing in the background. Immense peace filled our life, our being. Then we heard screams, it seemed like it came form no-where, men on horses. It was like a scene out of braveheart, when the bastard guards arrived to take over the lands.
There was a sisterhood of us women and immediately we stopped what we were doing and we focused our power of will to keep the men away from our children, which was our priority. This worked for some time until we saw them capture some of our children and slit their throats, some raping them in front of us. Our power waned as emotions of grief, anger and shock took over. The scene was then forwarded to us with ropes around our neck, lined up like animals and a fire burning underneath our feet. We were suspended somehow from wooden poles. I cried helplessly, ‘i don’t know what to do’ i said out loud. My good friend who was in the peyote ceremony with me whispered ‘ forgive them, they know not what they do’. In that moment i realised i had been transported to another time, and right then i was given the opportunity to heal a part of our history’s story. I looked into the eyes of each of the soldiers who stood before us, watching us, taunting us, and i said ‘brother, we love you, we forgive you. Over and over again i repeated these words as i looked into their eyes and brought them into my heart. In the blink of an eye i was then looking out of the soldiers eyes, witnessing the body/bodies i had just been in. Like a knife to my heart (but also a fucking huge wake up call) i realised, i have been the victim and i have been the persecutor. I have been killed and i have killed. There is nothing that has been done to me that i have not done to another. All the wars throughout the history of our Earth, the history of us, has been playing these roles. Repeating the same thing, over and over again as if we were different people.
The scene then changed again. Now there was a circle. A massive circle of what seemed like all the women in the world, standing together holding hands. In the middle was all the men. Of course i cannot say if it literally contained all the men and women in the world! but it sure looked that way. The women were saying the same thing to the men, with hearts open and tears streaming down their faces, ‘ Brothers, we forgive you, we love you, you are our brothers, come home’.. these words were repeated over and over again, and with each repeating word the men fell closer and closer to the Earth, dropping to their knees, eventually disappearing. Then the roles reversed and this time the men were holding the circle and all the women were within it. They said the same ‘Sisters, we forgive you, we love you, you are our sisters, come home’ and the women, like the men, fell closer to the Earth with each repeating word, until they also disappeared.
I experienced holding the circle as a woman, and a man, and also being in the middle, as a woman and a man. We have been all to all, that is the key to our liberation, and giving freedom to ourselves.
Although a profound experience, it wasn’t until recently that i fully got its teaching. I myself had to work through this forgiveness process in my own life with men and women. But more importantly i had to reach this peace within myself before i could truly feel its teaching, its wisdom and further embody its authenticity.
You see throughout time, we have played many roles with each other. You have been my mother, my father, my daughter/son, uncle/aunt/friend/enemy, lover and my killer. I have been all of these equally to you too. In knowing this we can perhaps come into a deeper relationship with each other, offering true forgiveness to ourselves and each other. For if all the sins you committed towards me, i also committed towards you, how can we continue to hold each other to blame? What part of you is not me and vice versa?
This last year has brought me on a deep journey through polarity and duality, and through this above experience, and many more without plant medicine, i have realised that the only war is the one we keep alive in our minds. Its in the stories we continue to tell ourselves and each other. Such as – He did that and then she did this, but me over here, well, I’m innocent, oh the bastards, poor me i need healing, take it from me, i want to be free! but let me continue repeating the same behaviours etc etc etc… Its all fucked up! No amount of ceremonies, plant medicine, healings, self help books, yoga, or running around the world preaching to be saving it, is going to get us there, if we as a people do not truly accept ALL of who we are, and have been. We ARE our ancestors, they are not separate entities from us. We have walked these lands many many times. We are recycled bodies.
This fight over light and dark is a polarity based crisis. We have Light workers running towards the light, blinding themselves in the process because their afraid of their own shadow, and thus projecting it/blaming it and judging it in everyone else. This is arising very strongly now across Earth.
Then the dark ones, well theres all sorts of stories there! Off planet intelligence having galactic wars with dragons and species, who, give credit where credit is due, have now reformed and decided to make peace, living as good reptilians and not bad Vampire ones. Whilst on planet we have scavenger bankers, raping the people of their wealth, manipulating the economy for the elite and still serving Mcdonalds junk food while doing it… Its ALL in the mind, and what a mind creation it is. We all know we are spirit in essence, all of us. There is no spiritual people and non spiritual people, thats a hoax. If it exists, it has spirit.
If we eat something that we ‘think/feel’ is contaminated, we are telling our body this story and so it re-acts it. If we are doing something that we ‘think/feel’ is wrong, we are telling ourself this story and so it re-acts it.
So its time to wake the fuck up and embrace ourselves. All of it, messy, unkept, clean, filthy, right or wrong, fifty shades of grey, purple, blue and brown.
We are here in a body to live a beautiful life. There is beauty in all of it. The shit and the shiny.
You/me/we are already whole, we’ve just forgotten. Its time to re-member and show yourself/ourselves.
People are replacing one addiction for another, one set of words for another, but they/you/we (all one), are not colouring the big picture in on the same page.
FORGIVE YOURSELF. Forgive it all. It is the only way to liberate yourselves. Ask for the forgiveness of the other who you feel you have harmed/judged blamed. Make peace with yourself, all of yourself and watch how your world starts making peace in flow with you. Forgive your men, all of them. Whether they raped you, abused you, hit you, left you, cheated on you. Forgive yourself for that, it wasn’t your fault, it was the way that person treats themselves and you happened to be the one to reflect it, because something in you treats yourself the same way. Forgive your women, all of them. Whether they manipulated you sexually, emotionally, hit you, cheated on you. There are no sole victims or sole persecutors.
Allow yourself to feel all of it, let the story go and try not to create a new story in your mind of what it now all means. Let love in.
Make peace in whichever way you can, but do it, don’t just flirt with the idea.
A good friend says to me all the time when i get serious, ‘maybe it doesn’t mean anything cherina, maybe it doesn’t have too’ Theres moments when i want to slap him for this flippant remark BUT it snaps me out of being too precious about my own stories. Be like a child i remind myself, laugh at yourself.
Recently a rather gorgeous man asked me out on a date, he happened to be my neighbour living across the street. So i got myself all dressed up, put make up on, felt nervous, all the usual fluffing around in front of the mirror. Waiting for the moment he was to arrive. Then i received a text ‘ sorry to do this to you but I’m caught up on a work thing and won’t be able to make it’.. for a moment my heart sunk, but then i sat on my bed and laughed out loud at my own silliness. Im not a woman for getting made up and dressing up to impress someone, yet that night i had. So i went into the bathroom and removed all the make up i had carefully applied, changed into my chill out clothes, tied my hair up and then my phone bleeped. ‘only kidding, see you in 10mins’ Hahahahaha. What a lesson it highlighted! and how grateful i am to myself to have been able to laugh! I didn’t reapply the make up or get dressed up, i invited him in and allowed him to see me as i am. After all i met him literally on my doorstep, without any masks.
Imagine if we dropped the stories of what that other person did to us. If we allowed the emotion (energy in motion) to arise that was attached to it, how would we feel in the empty space, after having let it all go? Maybe..maybe, its time to find out.
We each contain the essence of masculine and feminine within us, we are also children at heart. If we weave our male and female selves together (twin flame reunion) then we give birth to the child (the trinity) the unconditionally loving, joyful expression of who we are at our core.
Children naturally care for nature, animals and their environment because they are naturally connected to it. When we are connected fully to our whole self, we will naturally care for our environment too. That is the healing of our planet contained in the healing of ourselves.
I invite you to watch children interacting with other children, watch them interact with their environment. No fear whatsoever, they hold no grudges, they are energy in motion, laughing, loving, playing, fighting, crying. The express everything as they feel it. They express everything as it arises, holding nothing in, until parents teach them otherwise. We as parents must stop giving our patterns to our children.
When a child seeks our attention, calling to us, ‘mummy watch this, daddy look!’ we don’t always give them that attention, because were busy doing something, acting in a robotic mode perhaps. So we snap at the child or get angry/frustrated. In essence the child is trying to bring us into the present moment and we are resisting. We have had the habit of reacting by shouting at the child, we don’t want to be taken out of the space we are in, in our heads. Lost in the busi-ness. What are we teaching them with this?
The child is guiding us into our hearts. They are gods in small bodies. Who is teaching who?
How ironic that our Elders send us those who can’t walk, to teach us how too.
Another word i am fascinated with right now is RESPONSIBILITY. Everywhere we are being told we need to take responsibility. Be responsible adults.
What is that?
Maybe it is the ability to respond instead of react. Like the child scenario. Maybe it has nothing to do with paying your mortgage, or working in a job you hate to be a response-able adult. That seems to me to be more along the lines of a robotic adult. Doing what you don’t like, in order to experience something that you do, yet its always existing in our tomorrow. And we all know tomorrow never comes.
We are tricking ourselves and then blaming the world for the trick.
If we want liberation, no one is going to give it to us but ourselves. And i think thats where the awakening of humanity will shift on a mass scale, into another octave.
There is a collective shadow arising among us right now. We have the choice, to respond in the same old condemning way, pointing fingers, whispering about each other behind closed doors, witch hunting the baddies, gathering our army of people who agree with the sin, repeating history. OR, we respond in a new way. Seeing the whole picture instead of just the parts that suit our stories, therein changing the record, creating a new song.
We must take the next step. Yes its scary and terrifying BUT..BUT.. what is the possibility if we go beyond the fear of it?.. and how will we know if we don’t try..
We must stop blaming our mothers,fathers, children, teachers, boyfriends, girlfriends, cats dogs, world war 1/2/3… write the story afresh. Is that not why we are here now? or did we come to recycle our bullshit for the 50 millionth life experience?..
We get to choose. What are we choosing?
The great philosopher Alan Watts said ‘what would you do and how would you live your life, if money were no object? If you never had to worry about money, what would you do? Really ask yourself this question. And when you find your answer, ask yourself ‘ can i have the courage to do that with my whole heart?..