This morning I was woken up by my daughter, who impatiently wanted to know when we could go out. She’s 12, so impatience is a very active trait in her at the moment. She decides something and then it must happen immediately. I cannot fault her, I too have been like this, and can still sometime be. I gently explained I had just opened my eyes, asked her to give me a few minutes to wake up fully and then we would get ourselves together and venture into the day.
I looked at all the objects in my room from where i was laying and saw the streams of light that connected everything. From the chair to the speakers, the floor to the bathroom door; all were an extension of my being, connected somehow by an innumerable amount of streams of light. Like golden threads only they began as white and filtered into different colours. I smiled; everything is connected to everything I told myself.
My cat jumped up on the bed beside me and purred loudly, staring into my eyes with her penetrating beautiful green ones, I stroked her and felt peace wash through me.
These recent few months – December solstice until beginning of February were a very intense period in my life. I felt surrounded by a heaviness that seemed to follow me around like a shadow. I felt sad and desolate, wondering when I would feel better and what I did wrong to bring these feelings and experiences onto myself. I would sit and write of all the things I wanted to create, to experience, to magnetize into my life and yet have no energy to take steps toward bringing them in.
I spent hours wondering ‘what do I want? What do I want my life to be like?’ on and on I would write and ask for guidance, ask for help from spirit. ‘Guide me, show me’ and still nothing.
Then I stopped, I stopped trying to figure it out, to have a plan, to know what I needed to do. I stopped. In the space of stopping I found silence and I began to pray, setting up an altar in my room, which was already there, but unkept. I tidied it, I cleaned the room, I moved furniture around and I bought candles and flowers. I prayed from my heart, not my mind. I prayed for surrender instead of knowingness, I prayed for peace inside me instead of success and wealth outside and everything changed. Not immediately but over the next few days. I noticed I felt brighter as I woke, I felt happier as I saw the daybreak, the sun rise, and the rain fall. I began to authentically feel grateful for being alive, for having this body to move around in. I felt thankful for my health, the compassion I feel, and I began to direct that compassion towards myself.
My financial challenges eased and money began to flow into my reality once more, people called me to book tarot readings and healing sessions.
I felt I was learning something very important here, and that was of my own unimportance. Releasing the attachment to myself, I began to witness how life changes quickly when we surrender ourselves to a higher power, the divine self, Our Creator, God. I could not only feel the ease inside me but I experienced the ease around me too.
It brought me into a recent experience I had in Peru one night whilst sitting in the middle of the jungle with some newfound friends. I was looking out into the vastness of the forest from the upstairs open area of their wooden, windowless and door less home. I witnessed the enormity of this landscape before me. I felt its strength and its power. I recall having these same thoughts in them moments, thoughts of ‘ who am I to spend so much time worrying and trying to create what ‘I’ want when I am sitting here looking at such power, beauty and inspiration that wants nothing. It lets all be as it is, it is constantly and consistently replenishing and regenerating itself by being’.
As this memory faded I began to think of a tree and the beauty we witness in nature, I saw the same streams of light I had seen this morning, pour into the tree, through the tree, out of the tree. The vision accompanied the thought instantly. The tree was these streams of light with an encasing of bark and trunk, branches and leaves. Yet the streams flowed unrestricted. The tree isn’t worrying about what it wants to be, it isn’t trying to be anything, and it just is as it is. It doesn’t direct the flow of the light, it lets it flow where it flows. I suppose that’s why we witness such beauty in it, such power, and such peace when we sit by it.
I wonder if we too adopted this understanding, if we didn’t try to be something or someone, have something and hold an expectation of an outcome. I wonder if we practiced being, allowing these streams of light which connect everything that is, to flow uninterrupted to us, through us, out of us and around us, I wonder would the unity of humanity become stronger, I wonder if all the wrong things we perceive in the world suddenly not matter, as they fade away, starved of our focus and attention.
So today I realise with greater intensity that I want nothing, I am holding on to nothing. I am in a state of being. I cant explain it anymore than that, only that I see these streams of light that emanate from me and how they also emanate through all I see, people, places, objects, things. Everything is connected to everything. The physical – Its all temporary.
With this I am sitting deeper into an acceptance that everything may change around me, but as I let the light flow, I am always unchangeable. Right now in this moment i write, I see how my prayers are being answered, in a way I didn’t expect but which far exceeded my expectations.
I am in love with creation, and so I get up and I get dressed and we venture out into the day. The sun is shining and people are smiling towards us, I smile back and I remember the flow of lights as they flow freely between us,
I remember that i am everything,
i recognise love in all that i see,
and in recognising this in everything,
everything i see is recognising love in me.